The Stars You Can't See
by Coral542383
Summary: Seeing Dean like that, Sam couldn't push himself enough to tell his brother this new revelation even if he wanted to.


The Stars You Can't See

Sam figured it out. He figured it all out.

They were at another cheap motel at another no-name-for town at another no-way-out-of state when he made the connection. They just came back to their rented room after hours of interrogating a demon – well, after Dean interrogated and Sam stood guard outside – at an abandoned warehouse and wanted to go to bed, but upon seeing that Castiel was already there waiting for them with an update, knew that sleep would have to wait.

Dean suggested that Sam could take the shower first, but Sam said he was going for a walk to clear his head first. Castiel looked confused, but he didn't say anything.

Sam stepped out to the motel's deserted parking lot through the old door and locked it behind him with his spare key, before going straight to Dean's car, sitting on the dusty hood and looking up at the thousands of stars in the black moonless sky. He didn't go for a walk, but he did need to clear his head.

While he looked up at the stars he let his thoughts wander, because the best way to clear his head of his more depressing thoughts was to think of something else. This time that something else was stars.

Stars were an important, yet unnoticed factor in Sam and Dean's childhood; while they were moving around the country, Sam always felt like the stars were moving with them. They were their constant companions, never mind the fact that their father had taught them how to find the north with them. On rainy nights, if the hour wasn't too late, they would look up at the clouded skies and wait for their return. Sometimes they would get tired, and sometimes they would get lucky. One time, their father caught them up at night, so they never did it again, though the yearning was still there.

His thoughts went ahead to shooting stars, and he remembered how he used to wish they could get out of that life. He remembered, and regretted it immediately afterwards. Thinking of getting out made him think of running away, which led him to thoughts of one of the worst nights of his life.

It was the only night in which they both died, not one or the other, but both of them.

He thought he was dreaming at first, and what an odd dream he had. He was at some other family's Thanksgiving dinner. Usually, his dreams of a better life had Dean in them with him, laughing a carefree laugh like he didn't willingly go to Hell for his brother just to be brought back so he could clean up his mess. That's how he knew it wasn't a dream, and that's when he remembered being shot. He hoped Dean was okay while he waited for something to change, something to tell him that, yes, this is indeed Hell.

He didn't have to wait for long for something to change, as Dean had entered the house and found him. He was both relieved and sad, because Dean was there with him, but for Dean to be there with him, he had to die. Then Castiel told them they were in Heaven, and Sam thought that made sense because Dean was in Heaven and also with him at a normal Thanksgiving dinner, one of the things Sam always wanted, and at the same time he thought that that didn't make sense, because it wasn't possible for him to make it all the way to Heaven. It was the road to Hell that was paved with good intentions.

After getting revived and witnessing Dean lose hope, Sam began taking walks to look up at the stars and clear his head. Tonight, the realization hit him; wherever they were that portrayed their memories when they weren't on the road to Joshua, it wasn't Heaven. It couldn't have been; all the others' Heavens had consisted of a place or a person or more or all three, while they were walking down memory lane, his memory lane. The only good aspect of going that specific lane with those specific memories was Dean being there with him.

As Sam sat there on the hood, tears started to gather, but he held them back; there was no point. There was no point on dwelling on things he couldn't fix and he couldn't tell Dean this new revelation, therefore, there wasn't any point in tears, especially when he was due back from his walk any minute now.

One of the following nights was different, but nowhere close to better. Bobby called with information, and Sam was dismissed, so he took a walk. It was the first night he took a walk to look up at the stars and thought about one of the things he thought of before on this kind of occasion. He thought about the stars again, because he wished that this time, he could direct his thoughts to something happy.

He remembered watching a documentary about light and the night sky. The narrator said that before electricity, there wasn't enough light from Earth to counter the light of the stars, so until two centuries ago, people looked up at the skies at night and saw them almost filled with them. Some stars were close together and looked like a road for them, so they made roads according to those stars.

He's thoughts then wandered right back to shooting stars, which led him right back to wishes. This time, he kept thinking of them both, rather than moving on to wishes, so the previous time he thought about wishes on this kind of occasion wouldn't repeat, and it hadn't. He was reminded of Anna instead. He thought of Anna who was once an angel and then fell with a shooting star.

He froze all over. Right now, at this very moment, he was looking up at thousands – no, billions, as there were stars nobody could see – of angels. After a short moment, he started to panic and went through his pockets only to remember that he wasn't due back from his walk yet, and as the car was Dean's, he wouldn't have a key.

He wanted the earth beneath his feet to swallow him whole, because he knew that no matter where he hid on Earth, the stars were always over his head, the same way it had been his entire life. Dean was watched and loved by them and Sam was watched and hated by them while they manipulated them their whole lives.

After that night he could never look up at stars – at angels – and feel anything but fear and shame. He wanted to tell Dean this new revelation, but hesitated as he didn't know how Dean would react and didn't want to accidentally upset him.

He didn't have to debate the issue much longer. One night while they were on the road, Dean stopped his car beside it and went out. Sam did as well, and accepted the bottle Dean gave him. Then Dean looked up at the stars, and had a rare relaxed presence around him, and seeing Dean like that, Sam couldn't push himself enough to tell his brother this new revelation even if he wanted to. Instead, he looked up at the angels, something he hadn't done in weeks, and kept quiet like they always did on occasions like this. He knew Dean knew something was different this time, as Sam wasn't relaxed, but since breaking the silence on this kind of occasion was a taboo he wouldn't break, because the symbolism of their bond breaking with it, he didn't say a thing.

Inside of him, Sam was silently searching for one good aspect out of all of this. He thought of Lucifer and the fact that technically, he didn't fall, so his star remained in the sky. If Sam could find that star and a way to avoid it, then maybe Lucifer would give up and leave their planet alone, leave humanity alone. Sam knew that would never happen, so he continued his search.

Maybe if he concentrated really hard and sent an honest prayer like he did when he was young and still did and hid from his brother in the present, the angels would listen and kill Lucifer, and then leave humanity alone. Sam knew that would never happen, so he continued his search.

Suddenly it occurred to him that while he wouldn't dare to pray for those angels – not anymore – he could send them a message, something he kept for himself, something so deep it will reach the angels nobody could see, so deep it will reach the angels in Heaven themselves and always linger in the minds of the angel or angels that took them down his memory lane.

With a sudden determined presence around Sam, Dean looked at him, but he couldn't hear his brother's thoughts no matter how good he was at reading him, and since breaking the silence on this kind of occasion was a taboo he wouldn't break, Dean never figured it out.

On that same night, Castiel stopped yelling at God as he heard a familiar voice through the remnants of his grace, but as he was heavily drunk and the voice sounded so far away, he couldn't recognize the person who said them, and when he got sober, couldn't remember the words, so he never figured it out. He never found out who sent the next message:

_I will try my best to make it up to Dean, I will try my best to do the right thing, I will try my best to stop the Apocalypse, and there's nothing you or anyone can say or do that will ever change that, so __do yourselves a favor and stop trying!_


End file.
